Incomplete

No, this isn't a blog about the return of the backstreet boys and how i felt while they were not together making beautiful music....though, i suppose it could've been, but that's too predictable.
When i graduated from high school, my grandparents gave me a gift. They gave me a piece of jewlery, a gold chain with a cross on it. I got to pick the cross, and the chain, and since i got it, i have rarely removed it from my body.
But as i sit here, typing away with my fingers, and hands that are still sore from hockey, i am chainless, or to put it in a phrase Johnny Cash would enjoy "Unchained". You see, last night, at the end of the game, my good friend and groomsman, Matt Kinniburgh and I decided to engage in a play hockey fight. I like to do these, because i am good at them for the most part. So, i jerseyed matt, and started feeding him right hands to the solar plexus, and he had his hand on my Jersey, but unbeknowenst to either of us, he had also gripped with a death grip onto my chain, which he managed to break. From that moment (i have been blessed, i live only....for your happiness....oh my gosh did i just quote a Shania Twain song!? Shoot me now for the love of God, shoot me now!) I have felt incomplete. Like a part of me is missing, like my leg or my face, or i guess, my chain that i have been wearing for the better part of five years. My neck doesn't feel right, my chest hair (in which my chain often gets tangled) feels empty. PS. This is what Matt looked like after i beat him up for breaking my chain. (not actually, don't be alarmed, but if we really would've fought, thats what he would've looked like, unless he would've done something dirty, like poke me in the eye and kick me in the groin, which is more then likely what Kinny would do in a fight.)


All of this is to say, it's remarkable how something so small and seemingly insignificant can alter your perceptions, and your feelings of "rightness" or completeness. I don't know, something so small, and now i feel out of sorts. It could also be all in my mind. I do seem to exaggerate things in my brain, because i like to have things to write about on my blog sometimes. Anyway. That's about it, i am going to battle every man now. Oh yeah, i guess i didn't mention that, veteran B.C. Youth Pastor - Dave Sattler, has come back to the school to lead a seminar on purity, intimacy, sexuality and the like, which has been good so far, but i look forward to what's going to happen on this day.

Song of the day: "Message in a Bottle" - by 80's supergroup, The Police. In case you were wondering, yes, Sting (the musician not the wrestler) was the bass player and lead singer of the 80's supergroup, The Police. Anyway, "Message in a Bottle" is a decent song by the 80's supergroup, The Police, and it would be worth your while to investigate this song by 80's supergroup, The Police. If y'all got the means and er the desire, check out "Message in a Bottle" by 80's supergroup, The Police.

The Following are in no way Worship Songs....

I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For - U2

All I Want Is You - U2

Crash Into Me - Dave Matthews Band

(and all of these songs, to which we can not ascribe as worshipful to God, will serve as a tri-vecta of songs of the day, enjoy them, just don't try and worship God with them please)

When will I learn?

Yesterday...immeadiatly after writing that blog, i went to catch the elevator two floors back up to my apartment. The elevator arrived and i boarded and as the door was shutting, i'll admit it, i fluffed (aka:farted, passed gas, or any other clever catch phrases you might know for the situation). So there i was, standing alone in the elevator as it rose, slowly towards my destination, only to stop halfway, at the main floor, where, a girl got on the elevator. Well, she didn't just get on the elevator, she had three loads of stuff that she put in the elevator, so she can in and out, and in and out, and back in. Now, i felt awkward, because i knew the smell had begun to seep, and seeing as i was the only person on the elevator, she must've been aware at my tragic little mishap. Anyway, i didn't look at her, i kept listening to my headphones, and quickly exited the elevator as soon as it arrived at my floor which seemed like an eternity later.

The problem is, this isn't the first time this has happened, and so i am ashamed.

"I'll be what I am, A Solitary Man"

Ok,
so it has been a long time. So long in fact that i have stopped reading my friends blogs, for fear that they will scold my lack of blogging and do like i have done to so many others and remove me from thier list of blogs.

The truth is, since Christmas time, it has been happening that i have been internalizing. For those of you who do not know what i mean, it means then rather then using my blog as a place to work out the things in my head, i have kept it all in my head, rolling it back and forth, keeping it to myself. And it is not just one particular thing, but pretty much everything. I have been keeping it in, attempting to figure out and deal with things on my own. So, rather then writing out my thoughts, my struggles, my frustrations, my joy, my pain and any other thing here, i have been keeping it to myself. Why, i do not rightly know, but thats how it goes.

Anyway.

So as you know or do not know, my father was last year diagnosed with cancer of the prostate. As i was home over Christmas, i was able to get an up-close view of how it was taking its toll on my family, and what i saw was bleak. I guess i saw my dad in a very depressed state, and it gave me the impression that he had given up, and that i may as well resign myself to the same. After all, Cancer is the one thing that people do not defeat. Well, i suppose not many people defeat AIDS either, but you know what i mean, no one in my family has ever died from AIDS, but lots have died from cancer. Anyway, i became depressed as well, living like i said as a hermit, not seeking or really desiring to be anywhere then with my family.

You may wonder, why i have not spoken of Gods healing power and how i trusted in that and then my dad was healed, beautiful story, the end. Oh well, that is because i was not trusting in God. I believe that God has the ability to heal. Nothing is beyond his capabilities. I suppose though that as much as i believed that God could heal my dad, that he would not. So , because i assumed that he would not, i decided (conciously or unconciously i dont know) not to ask God to heal my dad, because i did not think i could deal with the disappointment if and when he decided not to heal him. You probably are appalled to hear of my lack of faith, and are currently copying this and sending this off to my accreditation committee so that they can judge and fail me, but that is just the way i was feeling.

On top of that, because i did not think that God would heal my dad, i was beginning to try and deal with and think about what my life was going to be like when he was not around. It was hard. It hurts even now to think about that. I was thinking of how i would need to take care of my mom and sister, and how i would need to continue to be the strong one, like i was at my uncles funeral. Holding everyone else up, making sure that they were going to make it, and then looking after myself, and to be honest, i dont think i could do it. But i would try. I would do my dad proud, by taking care of the whole family. How would that affect what happened with Cara and I, i wasnèt sure...but i knew i would need to be the man.

So, there was a lot on my mind, and thats where it stayed.

Where am i now...well, this was all coming to me in waves, and in eppiphanys. It was very hard. The first floor meeting back, i asked for prayer. I asked my friends to pray, because i couldnèt find the faith to do so. Pray for my dad, prayer for me. As this was happening, as they prayed i realized that it has become my habit to be the strong one. To take on family burdens. For years and years, i have tried to control situations that i have no business controlling or dealing with. I guess it is just part of who I am, i want to protect, and lead. I got the sense that God was trying to break me down. Break me out of this leadership role. As i looked back, i saw areas in my life, and circumstances where God was trying to get me to depend on him, and even in some instances other people, rather then always just doing things on my own and dealing with everything on my own. He was taking me out of the public eye so that he could try and work on my heart if i would just let him. Unfortunatly i did not realize it until like two weeks ago. Better late then never i guess.

What this all means is, i am trying to lean on God an depend on him, for strength and wisdom, and leadership, rather then doing everythink on my own. A week ago, i had a mini-nervous breakdown, cause i was so overwhelmed with everything that was going on (with my family and school, and marriage and so on) that it was like the breaking point (or point break if you will). It was like, the final straw (God rest her soul)...where i really came to grips with how weak i truly am. How i need God to be my source, guide, vision, strength and so on. I am not doing that well with it yet. I have been depressed, and lonely and uncertain, and mal-content, but i think i am starting to come around thanks to God, and to the people in my life who love and care for me, especailly Cara, who i have come to depend on in more was then she probably realizes.

Not much else to say today, youve had enough of a look into my depressed and uncertain life for now.

Song of the Day is Solitary Man by Johnny Cash. Since seeing the film Walk the Line, i have really rediscovered the beauty and wonder that is Johnny Cash. His music has been soothing me and pointing me back to the Father, and his love and grace. Thanks Johnny. If you have the means and or desire, check out Solitary Man, by Johnny Cash. It will be well worth your time and effort.

Drastic Disciplinary Measures

For a long time, i have wanted to implement some changes in my life. Changes that focus me towards others then myself, towards God and away from myself and the distractions that i have indulged myself in. I have wanted to live a life of purity in mind, deed and spirit, but for the most part i have been unsuccesful in implementing these changes into my life. Well, that's all going to change...i hope. Out of my life experiance, and also conversations with my mentor here at school, i realized that a good life, and a life worth living must be a disciplined life. Actually, i have known this for a long time (well since around last year when i read Bonhoeffer's classic "The Cost of Discipleship), but have never been able to make myself disciplined or stick to what attempts at a plan i have had. It's been discouraging, and in some respects i was at the point where i wanted to give up trying. I was ready to just let these things occur at thier own speed since i was having such a hard time trying to ferry them along in my life. More recently through a conversation with my mentor, i came to realize how vital discipline in life is, not just for someone wanting to be a pastor but for anyone. Anyway, all of this to say, i have spent the last hour or so in my room, at my computer and desk creating a few items for myself that will hopefully help hold me firm in my new dedication to making changes in my life and habits. I created a "to do list" which highlights the things i believe to be important enough that i need to remind myself to do them. Things like "read a chapter of the bible, do 10 pushups and 10 situps, pray for the people on your prayer list (which i had to create this afternoon as well), make your bed, clean your room, eat breakfast of some kin in the morning...you see what i'm getting at. I am hoping to make changes in my life, and you are the first people i'm sharing this with. Partially because i hope you will see changes in my life, and attitude even if just through what i write on here, but also, so if you would like to, you can ask me how it's going and so on. Don't think i am going to leave it there, i am going to find someone here who can see me everyday and ask me how i am doing with these new disciplines so far. In the meantime, have a great rest of the afternoon. Sorry, i haven't blogged, it's been a weird month emotionally, and since i need emotion most of the time to blog, i haven't felt like sharing all the ones i have had recently with you. Also in big news, my fience, the love of my life, Cara, got baptized last week in Vermilion, and i was blessed to be there to witness Cara take this step in her life and faith.

So, i'm back at school, back in Calgary, looking forward to a good semester, with a better outlook(props to Troy's brother) on life and everything else. Part of that better outlook might be because i for the first time in like two months, bought groceries today. Woo Hoo!

What shall be the song of the day? I have been partaking in a wide variety of music these last few days, so i have much to choose from. I think today's honor will go to Conway Twitty, and his masterpiece of a song "Hello Darlin'. That's right, i've been listening to vintage country music and it has been more then worth my while, and if you go ahead and listen to some Conway Twitty, it will be also more then worth you while. So, if you have the means and or the desire, check out today's song "Hello Darlin' by Conway Twitty, or as I like to call him, C-Twit.

and he's outta here

Lately i have recieved criticism for not blogging often enough. Well, basically, Jon Kramer makes general remarks about his friends who no longer blog, and also Carmen reprimanded me. Which i deserved.

Anyway, don't expect this to be a good and long one, i was going to write one the other day, but then my family was having an argument, and i couldn't focus. Anyway, i'm off to Vermilion for a few days, then back to Calgary.

I probably won't be able to write till i get back to Calgary, so peace.