"I'll be what I am, A Solitary Man"

Ok,
so it has been a long time. So long in fact that i have stopped reading my friends blogs, for fear that they will scold my lack of blogging and do like i have done to so many others and remove me from thier list of blogs.

The truth is, since Christmas time, it has been happening that i have been internalizing. For those of you who do not know what i mean, it means then rather then using my blog as a place to work out the things in my head, i have kept it all in my head, rolling it back and forth, keeping it to myself. And it is not just one particular thing, but pretty much everything. I have been keeping it in, attempting to figure out and deal with things on my own. So, rather then writing out my thoughts, my struggles, my frustrations, my joy, my pain and any other thing here, i have been keeping it to myself. Why, i do not rightly know, but thats how it goes.

Anyway.

So as you know or do not know, my father was last year diagnosed with cancer of the prostate. As i was home over Christmas, i was able to get an up-close view of how it was taking its toll on my family, and what i saw was bleak. I guess i saw my dad in a very depressed state, and it gave me the impression that he had given up, and that i may as well resign myself to the same. After all, Cancer is the one thing that people do not defeat. Well, i suppose not many people defeat AIDS either, but you know what i mean, no one in my family has ever died from AIDS, but lots have died from cancer. Anyway, i became depressed as well, living like i said as a hermit, not seeking or really desiring to be anywhere then with my family.

You may wonder, why i have not spoken of Gods healing power and how i trusted in that and then my dad was healed, beautiful story, the end. Oh well, that is because i was not trusting in God. I believe that God has the ability to heal. Nothing is beyond his capabilities. I suppose though that as much as i believed that God could heal my dad, that he would not. So , because i assumed that he would not, i decided (conciously or unconciously i dont know) not to ask God to heal my dad, because i did not think i could deal with the disappointment if and when he decided not to heal him. You probably are appalled to hear of my lack of faith, and are currently copying this and sending this off to my accreditation committee so that they can judge and fail me, but that is just the way i was feeling.

On top of that, because i did not think that God would heal my dad, i was beginning to try and deal with and think about what my life was going to be like when he was not around. It was hard. It hurts even now to think about that. I was thinking of how i would need to take care of my mom and sister, and how i would need to continue to be the strong one, like i was at my uncles funeral. Holding everyone else up, making sure that they were going to make it, and then looking after myself, and to be honest, i dont think i could do it. But i would try. I would do my dad proud, by taking care of the whole family. How would that affect what happened with Cara and I, i wasnèt sure...but i knew i would need to be the man.

So, there was a lot on my mind, and thats where it stayed.

Where am i now...well, this was all coming to me in waves, and in eppiphanys. It was very hard. The first floor meeting back, i asked for prayer. I asked my friends to pray, because i couldnèt find the faith to do so. Pray for my dad, prayer for me. As this was happening, as they prayed i realized that it has become my habit to be the strong one. To take on family burdens. For years and years, i have tried to control situations that i have no business controlling or dealing with. I guess it is just part of who I am, i want to protect, and lead. I got the sense that God was trying to break me down. Break me out of this leadership role. As i looked back, i saw areas in my life, and circumstances where God was trying to get me to depend on him, and even in some instances other people, rather then always just doing things on my own and dealing with everything on my own. He was taking me out of the public eye so that he could try and work on my heart if i would just let him. Unfortunatly i did not realize it until like two weeks ago. Better late then never i guess.

What this all means is, i am trying to lean on God an depend on him, for strength and wisdom, and leadership, rather then doing everythink on my own. A week ago, i had a mini-nervous breakdown, cause i was so overwhelmed with everything that was going on (with my family and school, and marriage and so on) that it was like the breaking point (or point break if you will). It was like, the final straw (God rest her soul)...where i really came to grips with how weak i truly am. How i need God to be my source, guide, vision, strength and so on. I am not doing that well with it yet. I have been depressed, and lonely and uncertain, and mal-content, but i think i am starting to come around thanks to God, and to the people in my life who love and care for me, especailly Cara, who i have come to depend on in more was then she probably realizes.

Not much else to say today, youve had enough of a look into my depressed and uncertain life for now.

Song of the Day is Solitary Man by Johnny Cash. Since seeing the film Walk the Line, i have really rediscovered the beauty and wonder that is Johnny Cash. His music has been soothing me and pointing me back to the Father, and his love and grace. Thanks Johnny. If you have the means and or desire, check out Solitary Man, by Johnny Cash. It will be well worth your time and effort.