Evaluation

So, like a month and a half ago or somewhere around that time, i (on my own initiative) asked several people in my church to fill out an evaluation of me and my ministry.

Wow.

I do and I don't regret doing this. (keep in mind i am posting this blog mere seconds after reading the results of the evaluation) I don't regret it because it is the right thing to do. To go to other people and ask for them to help you see yourself fully in order to be better at what you do. I do regret it because, it hurts. I know i'm not perfect, in fact, i agreed with much of what was on there, i knew my own faults mostly, but i guess i was not prepared to hear other people say the things that i already knew. And i think it bugs me because it is annonymous, at least to me. I didn't compile the results, one of our board members did, so he knows who said what, but at the same time, i don't want to know, cause i don't want to hate people.

I guess it feels like some of the comments made are not coming across in the spirit of helping me improve as much as they are knives being thrust into me. I know i am being dramatic, anyway, i just wanted to say, being evaluated (i think in ministry more then not ministry) is difficult and painful, unless you are totally awesome, and then it is probably great.

Dave Nonis and Me

So, this handsome man in the picture is the former General Manager of my favorite team in all of sportsdam, The Vancouver Canucks. His name is Dave Nonis. He was fired from his position of General Manager just a couple of days ago. I feel his pain. You see Dave was a guy who was trying to build his team. (A General Manager is the guy who gets all the players for his team, just in case you didn't know). He had inherited a team from his predecessor, and after making some changes to the team that symbolized his vision for which direction the team would go, he set to work, trying to enable this team to be successful in the present as well as have the pieces set out to be competitive in the future. Dave laid out a plan, kind of a five year plan or so, that in his mind would bring the level of competition, skill, and future assets to an all time high. So, basically, Dave had a vision for the present of his job, and for the future, and what i liked about Dave is that he was committed to both. Meaning he didn't want to sacrifice the future in an unreasonable way to accomodate the demands of today, and he didn't want to ignore the demands of today at the detriment of the future. Dave was in a pickle. And the sad thing is, Dave didn't get to see his plan come to fruition. His 5 year plan was cut short by really about a year and a half, as like i said, he was fired. In my opinion, Dave maybe didn't act the ways all the fans (including myself) thought he should have. At times, he seemed more committed to the nebulous know as the future more then he was to the present, but we pay him (ok, i don't actually pay him) to make decisions regarding the team, the players, and the direction/identity of the team. No, even without firing Dave Nonis, there were going to be changes this summer. Missing the playoffs in such a dreadful way, indeed is not acceptable, but players contracts were up, Dave was finally going to have some room under the salary cap with which to improve his team. But he got fired before he even had a chance. It's too bad really. Dave was squeezed out. He didn't meet expectations of the fans, and he obviously didn't meet the expectations of his bosses. From Above and Below, Dave felt the pressure, and ultimatly lost him job.

So, this other handsome man is me. I am not a general manager, though it is sort of a dream of mine to be one. I am a youth pastor. And i love my job, it is my dream job. You see, when i call being a general manager a dream job i mean it as if to say, only in my dreams could i accomplish such a thing, wheras being a youth pastor is my dream job because it's what i want to do (as well as what i believe myself called by God to do). Anyway, i also feel the tension that Dave Nonis, no doubt felt. There is an aspect to my particular brand (youth) of ministry that demands long term sustainability as well as current sucsess. And we could get into a huge debate over what "ministry success" is, but for this instant, lets say it has more to do with the amount of kids coming to your youth ministry, and other measurable things like "conversions". I took over this job from a friend. I liked him, i thought he had smart ideas, and wasn't an idiot, and left the youth ministry for the most part intact. (side note, Dave Nonis also took over the job from a friend and mentor, and things were still mostly in tact when he took the reins). But it was clear some changes had to be made. So i did it gradually. I let things play out a bit, then i started making my moves, adding and subtracting differant leaders. Changing the format of the ministry, communicating a vision, and setting out to build a foundation for the years ahead. This has been mostly met with positive results/reviews. We haven't seen a huge number of kids coming to all our events, but there has actually been an increase from when i took over, and no, not many conversions either, but a couple. Now, i don't think i'm about to get fired. I certainly hope I'm not about to get fired. But what i am comparing here is pressure. I have parents and non parents who want to see things better and amazing now. I have bosses who seem to believe in my building a foundation for a stronger future mentality, but eventually push is going to come to shove, and one of those philosphies, though i try to balance them both is going to become more important to the people who control my future then the other, and it could cost me my job. So even though "ministry" maybe should not be as "performance driven" as it has become, we need something by which to judge if things are working out, and i am feeling Dave Nonis's pain as someone who is trying to balance both future and present, and bring both to a standard of excellence.

So, for Vancouver Canucks Fans, Ownership, my bosses and the people whom i serve, Patience is important, but eventually, when do we say we've been patient enough and we need to see some results, and whose job is going to be taken in order to reach those goals.

what to do?

I find myself dealing with many quandries these days. Quandries about money, quandries about family, quandries about baby names (though not really), quandries about the future, and most importantly (haha) quandries about this blog.

Yes it's true, i don't post very often anymore. And i'm sure no one reads this anymore, since really, i haven't had anything to say to the online world since October of 2007, but every once in a while, my heart beats to talk to no one in particular, and spill my guts through the keys of my computer, and so the blog lives for now.

It's been quite the year. I came into the job thinking i knew more then i did, and thinking i was better prepared then i was. I've made mistakes, not followed through on all the things that i thought were most important, caved to pressure, and learned a lot. I'm still learning how to lead a team, and how to delegate and give responsibilities to other people to give them ownership of ministry. Most of all, i think it's been difficult in this area to "demand" or "ask for" more committment. It's easy for me (sometimes) to be committed to the goals of my ministry, after all, they are my goals right, and also because it's my job, i get paid to do this, i have more invested in the whole thing. I wish i could lead people into the passion and desire for youth that i have. I haven't done a great job, but i'm not angry at myself, i've seen all of this as learning as i go. And thankfully my church has been gracious enough to extend that to me, not expecting me to know everything and be perfect. I guess that's just my biggest struggle from this year. I mostly know where I want to go, but how can i take people there with me. Thats what i am working on mostly in my head and somewhat on paper, but thats one of the big changes i want to see for the fall when we begin a new year of youth ministry.

I could ramble because i haven't done this in a while, and you my faithful internet people nameless, and shapeless, and even some who are shameless are in the dark about many situations in my life, but i think i will leave it there for now, and come back another day feeling refreshed and ready to tackle this responsibility again.