So life goes on. I feel weird. I can't fall asleep if it isn't within at least half an hour of midnight, and now that the time has arrived, i feel i still can't sleep, and since i just finished Gilmore Girls Season one, i figured i should blog. Also i felt compelled to listen to Ben Harper so i am also doing that. Good times.
Like i said before, Dad is good, if you want to know more, speak to me directly, or indirectly, whatever you prefer. Familier.
So, i feel like God is talking to me. He's talking to me about love. I've come a long way in my life. Back in the day, i hated freely, held grudges at the drop of a hat and for what seemed like eternities. (not to be confused with the popular shoe brand etnies). Much of this has disipated, yet some remains, and how i yearn to purge myself of all such feelings and actions and thoughts. For instance. I work downtown. I pass a guy with no legs everyday who sits and asks for spare change. I mostly ignore him, sometimes i shake my head no, other times i say no, but i don't say sorry, and i don't make eye contact. Sometimes i see him smoking, or drinking beer, sometimes i see him walking around on his fake legs, but mostly just sitting in his chair asking for spare change. He has a weak voice, not assertive, but as i sit and think now, i may detect a certain level of shame in his voice, but i could be reading into the situation for the sake of the story. Here's the thing, i up until this moment have never pitied the man. I've never cared whether he lives or dies, judge me go ahead, i haven't been a good person, let alone a good christian, but i have within me no sympathy for those i have called scum. "Homeless" people, drug dealers, drug addicts, beggers, bums. I don't know why, part of it is fear, especially of ones who are wild eyed and desperate, who i assume will do anything to get thier next hit, also fear of the ones who just don't care, drug dealers, who will gun you down just for looking at them the wrong way. You could argue that this is the product of media consumption, but tell me these things don't happen every day....Also, my truly racist self, who laughs it off as jokes most of the time, fears indians, africans, and asians. Oh not if they were in my store, regular suburbanites and hard working citizens like myself, but when the street people fall into those three categories my guard is up even more. I'm not proud of this. I am ashamed in fact. As Cara was in the bank and i was in the care, i started thinking about how easy it would be for me to go to a church like vermilion and not have to deal with this hate, this unlove. These problems don't exist in vermilion the way they do in calgary. Substance abuse exists, i know that, but it's mostly hidden they way we like it. The bible talks about bringing our sin into the light, but as soon as i see peoples sin, i don't want to deal with it. You may feel the same way about me as i expose myself, and become the once vulnerable Mike you used to know. As you know me deeper, it may cause you to be disgusted and i can accept that, because i am disgusted with myself and my witness. I think this is leftover thoughts from reading "Organic Church". People's shit (crappy life circumstances, choices etc) is the best soil for the gospel. It's so true. Dowtown Calgary is ripe for God's kingdom to spread and to see amazing changes, but i don't love these people. And i realized they, just like me, are people, humans, created and loved by God equally. You see, i've created a system in my mind that wasn't really realized or verbalized until this afternoon. All choices bring conseqeuenses, and i assume that many of the people i see have made poor choices, and they are dealing with the consequences. I have also made poor choices, and suffered for them, but i would think i could say i have made many more good choices, or at least the right good choices that have brought me to a good standing in life, in the grand scheme of things. To a place higher then the street people because of my choices. Like i deserve some sort of medal. Like i deserve to look down on them, and feel no sorrow for them, because i was smart enough to do the right thing once in a while. I feel no pity because i assume they could and should have at one point had the same opportunities i had and chose not to. I knew people like that in high school, people that are destined to live a life of crime, or to hardly live a life at all because thier addictions will lead them to a quick death one way or the other. Or perhaps they will still make all the poor choices and my life will be filled with more suffering then thiers. This is the way i was thinking, very pharisee like of me isn't it. To think i have been the righteous one, sneering at all those who i can classify as lesser beings then me. If Jesus were here now, he would be with those people and spitting venemous truth at me as i walked by avoiding ey contact. I wouldn't recognize him as the saviour but as some shmuck being taken in by thier excuses. I am failing. I know these thoughts are wrong and i want to purge myself of them.
But it's not just the thoughts is it? It's getting down and dirty like Jesus did. It's touching the lepers, it;s talking to them with love and compassion, it's not being afraid of death and disease, or what people might think if they see you there. It's action, as extreme would say, it's "more then words".
How do i apply this. Do i give them money and hope they don't spend it on booze or ciggerettes? Do i talk to them? What do I say? Do i have time for this? Am i afraid, yes. I hope i can make a change in my life, rather, i hope the Holy Spirit can help bring about change in my life. I want to change, i want to love, i want to see past the social barriers and constructs that exist even in my mind. Break my heart oh god. Lead me, allow me to hear...trust and obey. I've wrestled with this issue for a long time now, having been exposed to this poverty for three years and living through it with other cynics i would call my colleauges. I need this heart to change, or i don't see myself as fit for serving in God's church. Any thoughts? As i make that last statement/question, i am reminded of a Derek Webb song called "Crooked Deep Down" where he say's this:
"
my life looks good i do confess, you can ask anyonejust don’t ask my real good friendsbecause they will lie to youor worse, they’ll tell the truth
because there are things you would not believethat travel into my mindi swear i try and capture thembut always set ‘em freeit seems bad things comfort me
(chorus) good lord i am crooked deep downeveryone is crooked deep downbut good lord i am crooked deep downeveryone is crooked deep downeveryone is crooked deep down"Everyone is crooked deep down... me too, though maybe not as deep down as others, or as i would have you believe.
