Thank God, I'm not the spawn of Tom Cruise

Now, I know some people might find this wrong, but i thought it was very very very funny. Cara and I laughed. I laughed harder. But for further proof that, Tom Cruises baby is not a real person, (ala: Jeremiah Z) so to look at the CSI like evidence, go here

have a nice day, and if you think i am a bad person, you can tell me.

Scattered and Depressed, read at own peril

So, I was just lying in bed for 15-20 minutes, and i couldn't sleep. Prior to that, I was watching season four of Gilmore Girls, and in the episode i watched, Gran died. Gran wasn't a nice person, but the portrayel of grief, and preperation for the funeral, and wake and so on, reminded me. It reminded me of something that happened a little over a year ago in my life. My uncle Derrick died. Hard to believe it's already been over a year now. I have been feeling pretty emotional since last saturday which was the anniversary, and since watching this episode of Gilmore Girls, my mind is swirling back to that time. I remember being back in Nova Scotia, listening to Ryan Adams and the Cardinals, feeling emotions i had never felt before, and now, i'm feeling them again. I didn't think i would feel this way, but here i am typing away at midnight, wearing his wedding ring, thinking about my family and how they are dealing with this, and wishing i could be with them. I'm really thinking about my grandparents too, who are going to Nova Scotia for Christmas this year. It scares me, because i know they are going to be so sad, away from us, and immersing themselves in the loss of thier son. I just want to be with my family, i guess this is partially homesickness, but it's more like, i know everyone is feeling down, heck, i'm even down, and it feels to me like it would be easier if we were all together and acknowledging our pain instead of burying it, denying it, or whatever. I don't know. This is really scattered i know, and you probably don't want to be reading such a personal thing, but i felt like maybe writing out my feelings would help it get off my mind and help me sleep, but i think the ache is growing. All i can think about is something my grandma made for me and something she said to me when she gave it to me, she made Cara and I a tree skirt for Christmas, and she wanted me to open it when i got it, so i did, and she said it was something for us to remember her by, and that just broke me, it's hard enough to be away at this time, without something like that. Then i think about Uncle Derrick, and i think about, the funeral, and the viewings, and the time together, and the feelings, and the drive, and taking care of my mom, and fighting with my sister, i remember everything, it's so surreal. How many years is it going to be like this? Am I going to be sad every year at this time for the rest of my life? And if this is how i feel when my uncle dies, how will i feel when my parents go, or my grandparents, or my sister, or my wife? There's just too much in my head, i wish i could shut it out, or shut it off so i could go to sleep. I'll turn it back on when i get up so i can distract myself with work and other such mediums of pointless distraction. I have been feeling on the edge of an emotional breakdown for a week or so now, i hope it ends soon. By the way, after writing this out, i don't know how much better i feel (especially since i'm listening to Jacksonville City Nights by Ryan Adams and the Cardinals, which was the theme album for me in Nova Scotia) Oh well, sometimes you just need to dwell in your pain, and i don't allow myself that option very much anymore.

This is your life

Today (actually a few days ago), I was thinking about failure. I was thinking about how some of the most celebrated characters in film and literature history have been failures. Even non-fictional characters. But unlike most real people, fictional characters find some incredible redemption for thier failures. We are captivated (no props to the Eldreges) by the human struggle, the failure, and the redemption. We see ourselves in these characters and we believe, maybe we can atone for our sins, our failures, our mistakes. We see the imperfections, the struggles, and the failures in these we call heroes, in these we see as perfect, and we can identify, and we wish we could also have the ultimate redemption. After the major screw up with the girl we love, we wish we could chase after her and win her back. We wish we could avenge people who were wronged and we feel somehow responsible for it. We wish we could somehow mortify ourselves to pay for the damage and hurt we cause. But this isn't the movies, this is real life, the hurts we cause with thoughtless words and actions cut deep and wound in ways that singing, "I want to grow old with you" won't immeadiatly fix. Don't get me wrong. I believe in the beautiful and amazing redemption via Christ, but we still pay the consequences of our failures and sins, which most films don't portray. I think this is why i love films like American History X, The Godfather, The Life Aquatic, and American Beauty. They give the hope of redemption and change, but they don't gloss over the high and painful cost involved with redemption. The exciting and wonderful truth of reality in Christ is the God redeems us, pays the eternal price/consequence for our sin and failure. Even more amazing is that he can and does choose to use failures and people who have sinned to be further instruments of his redemptive mission of love and healing. He could've paid for my sin, and left me sitting on the sidelines for the rest of my life as a punishment for defiling myself with sin and being unuseable in his plans because of my past. But he doesn't, and that is amazing to me. He would be justified in further punishing me, at least it seems justifiable to me, but he doesn't, he loves me deeper and uses my brokenness as a witness to his own love, mercy, and forgiveness. This truth, that God uses messed up people for his glory and purposes was one of the starting points in my life to hearing God tell me about church ministry. When I first thought about it, I was so excited, the thoughts resonated with my very being, but i thought, "God can't use me after everything I've done or been through" and that depressed me. Imagine the joy in finding out that despite my failures, despite the damage I'd done to myself and others, God could still, and still wanted to use me as a vessel of his redemption on earth. What grace, what a priviledge. The story of redepmtion unfolding in my life and yours.

Wedding Pictures

Better late then never as we like to say here in Vietnam.

Ps. Isn't that the bext picture of Matt Kinniburgh that you have ever seen?

Pps. I bet those of you who weren't there (and were invited) are really now wishing you were

Love Mike