feeling lost and wanting to watch it

So, over the last couple months, i have been reading about Jesus. Thinking about Jesus. Talking about Jesus, praying to Jesus, worshiping Jesus, trying to be like Jesus, and trying to get others to do all of the above. So i've come to a conclusion. It's hard to be like Jesus. I'm sitting here at the youth center where i work, and it's filled (ok not actually filled) but there are kids here, most if not all of whom don't know Jesus. And so, what should i be doing? I should be building relationships with them...because i think in most cases before you can really share the gospel with someone...you need to build a legitimate relationship with them, and also not just see them as targets or projects for proselytization....but as someone you actually care about. Here's the problem. Doing that is difficult. And somehow i feel a little ripped off, not to say that Jesus didn't do the relational thing, he did with his disciples and other people who were close to him, but then there were also situations where he could just walk up to someone and speak to them authoritativly, or something. Thats not coming out right. He was just more natural with people who were "non-religious". I care for these people, for these kids, but some of them are annoying, and even the ones who are not annoying, i find in so hard to connect with them here at the youth center. I wish i could be more like Jesus, in that people are drawn to him, and he was able to get that instant connect with people, especially people that other people generally reject...but sometimes ( like today) i feel more like a rejector, rather then someone who loves the unloveable etc. Other days are btter, but not today....i'm an extremist though, a fatalist of sorts, i realized that a long time ago when i was deeply into my rock and roll life (imaginary rock and roll life) when it was all or nothing, and broken hearts, and suicide, and drunkenness, and depression, and highest highs of joy when things go right, but deepest depths when things go wrong. I'm not quite that bad anymore, but it seems to come out when i write out my feelings, because i most feel like writing or being creative when i am depressed. It's an old habit of mine from back in the day

dangerous time (lovers in a)

so i'm back to blog again.
And i'm listening to music on my itunes. And because of this, soon, someone will come into the office to work, and i will either have to turn itunes completely off, or turn the volume so low that i won't be able to hear it anyway, but while i've got the time, i'm going to listen to the tuneage.

and to answer your question Jon, nothing yet has happened with Vermilion Idol, i performed live on the radio last week with my death cold, butchered "Mr. Jones" by the Crows, due to my inability to keep time, and actually hear myself. I did an alright rendition of "Every Rose...." which really is my bread and butter song, but even with that song, i didn't do it perfectly. Oh well, thank God no one heard that radio performance because it's a new crappy radio station.

and what did i tell you, someone is here, and there goes my music.

maybe i will just shut my door...but then i feel closed off an unaccessable. Oh well, maybe today i need to be closed off and unaccessable.

so basically today, well, sorta today, sorta sunday, i had what i will from hence to forth refer to as my first ministry wound. Not to say that my senior pastor leaving within six months of my arrival didn't hurt, but this was differant. I'm not going to go into much detail, because people who know people might read my blog, but the bottom line is....i felt horribly betrayed and pained by the actions of people in my church family against me. It was a weird feeling, definitly not the same as when Shawn left....though that sucked too, but this was differant...someone i care about, and have tried to invest in went behind my back and over my head to deal with a problem they have with a decision i made. It sucks. It's the kind of feeling that honestly makes me question i would ever want such a job, the kind of feeling that makes you wonder if it's really worth it. Not that i am going to quit over this incident, but it really makes you think.

So, needless to say, i'm not having a great day.

But, in other news, i have finally started watching Smallville season six. I'm 12 episodes in, and for the most part, quite satisfied with how things are progressing, although, it seems that things are going to go back to a Clark and Lana storyline, which to be honest makes me sick, because i am tired of Clark and Lana, and we all know they don't get together in the end anyway. But Smallville has made me feel better, you should've seen how pumped up i got after i put the dvd in and the theme music started playing, i started jumping and dancing and singing....it made my heart feel good.

So what else is going on? I read a book called "All for Jesus". It's a history of the Christian and Missionary Alliance from 1887 to 1987. I liked it, for some reason, i just devour Alliance History books. Anyway, it got me thinking. Have we lost some of the good stuff that A.B. Simpson founder of the C&MA) held dear in the Alliance today? I mean, sure, he didn't want to start a new denomination, and we did that, but i am thinking more about the doctrine of divine healing. Divine Healing was a huge part of Dr. Simpson's faith, and a big part of the worldview that shaped people who were seriously associated with the Alliance. Now, not only do we not talk about it, we don't even really believe in it....well at least it seems that way. In the local church settings that i have been apart of (all Christian and Missionary Alliance) there have been very few references to divine healing. I've heard very few to zero sermons on the subject, and yet, we still claim to believe in it, we have to believe in it to be ordained. But then i guess there is a differance in what we say we believe and what we practise even at the basest levels. But then again, the Alliance is not very organized in a way. I mean i'm in some ways thankful that the national and district offices don't legislate things, but as pastors in the Alliance, should we not ourselves be taking a serious look at some of these beliefs that brought our denomination to where they are today and putting them into practise in our churches, especially if our levels of leadership give us the freedom to do so, even if they don't mandate or push us to do so? I don't know, i don't see myself leading a healing service anytime soon, but maybe we should be thinking about what we say we believe, and then actually how we live and what we teach or ignore teaching in our churches.

And it's not just divine healing. We were known as an organization devoted to a deeper life in Christ, and, it seems to me that we (not just in the Alliance) are not preaching a gospel or challenging people to take thier faith to that next level. Many churches preach airy-fairy messages that don't seek to change people's lives. Not that we alone can do that, obviously the Spirit takes a huge role in that, but we as preachers need to trust the spirit, and speak the hard truths that some churches seem to want to ignore in favor of being esthetically pleasing or "seeker sensitive". This is getting long. I don't want to be part of a church or denomination that is more concerned with pleasing people then speaking the truth of the Gospel in order to bring people to a saving knowledge of Jesus Christ. And i don't mean doing it in a way that puts people down, a "holier then thou" attitude, i want to be part of a church or denomination that preaches grace, and love, but also repentance and forgiveness, and baptism, and evangelism. And we do, to a certain extent....i just feel like we've lost or cut off some of the roots that made the Alliance as strong as it once was....i think if i asked every person in my congregation what they knew abvout the Alliance, i feel like almost no one would know anything about doctrine or beliefs or mission other then we "don't ordain women".....and that doesn't seem right to me. So more then likely we as local churches have dropped the ball in this area, but maybe it's time to pick the ball back up.

and i was about to publish this when a song by Derek Webb came on, and i felt the need to share they lyrics with you....here they are...it just hit me....and i needed to share... it's called "I Repent"...ps. did you know Kyle Keller met Derek Webb....lucky!

"i repent, i repent of my pursuit of america's dream
i repent, i repent of living like i deserve anything
of my house, my fence, my kids, my wife
in our suburb where we're safe and white
i am wrong and of these things i repent

i repent, i repent of parading my liberty
i repent. i repent of paying for what i get for free
and for the way i believe that i am living right
by trading sins for others that are easier to hide
i am wrong and of these things i repent

i repent judging by a law that even i can't keep
of wearing righteousness like a disguise
to see through the planks in my own eyes

i repent, i repent of trading truth for false unity
i repent, i repent of confusing peace and idolatry
by caring more of what they think than what i know of what we need
by domesticating you until you look just like me
i am wrong and of these things i repent"

petering out

Does anyone else feel like blogging as a fad is coming to an end? At least withing my circly of influence it seems like the once fruitful world of blogging is barren. Only Jon Kramer consistently blogs, and writes out his thoughts in the wonderful world known as the bloggisphere. But let me be honest, i haven't myself posted a new blog since June the fifth, which was over four months ago now, but i haven't missed it that much, until now. Over the last week or so, i have missed blogging, i have had things on my chest, which i have wished to get off my chest via: the world wide web, and until now, have yet to do so...although i don't know how heavy into everything i will get today....even though blogging is like riding a bike, you still want to take it easy at first, so you don't fall off and embarress yourself in front of all the people watching and in my case, that is pretty much no one, although there is a potential for people to start looking at my blog again when i admit via facebook status that my blogging has begun again. Essentially i have just felt the need to have an outlet to say things, to think things, and to communicate them with a imaginary world, which is the blog world. More to come....in the meantime, i need to acquire some lunch, and then i will return, possibly with my lunch to type and to blog my little heart out.

Ok, so i didn't type any more blog during my eating time...but it's hard to eat and type at the same time. It's also difficult when you are reading about and watching videos about hockey and wrestling. You see what my problem is, is that i lose the will to blog really quick. Like here I am, deeply into a new blog after a four month absence and already i have no desire to do this. What is my problem...it's not like i'm a committifobe or anything like that...oh well.

Life update: since June the following things have happened. I went camping twice, once in Alberta, and once in B.C., i'll probably do the same next summer since camping is not as expensive as other types of vacations. The rear passenger tire exploded for no good reason off of Cara's Ford Focus....and i know what you are thinking...thats what i get for buying a ford right, well fair enough. We raised a whole crap load of money for The Edge Youth Center here in Vermilion with a food booth at the Vermilion Fair. It was an exhausting weekend, but it was still really fun, we don't know if we will do it again this summer. We got an interim pastor at Parkview to help us out in the time being between the loss of Pastor Shawn, and who over our new full time pastor will be. It's working out pretty good so far. I've bought a few new cd's. Not too many though, because let's be honest, money is tight around these parts, most recently i bought the new Ben Harper CD, and also Wilco's most recent release "Sky blue Sky", i was not a huge fan of Wilco, but then Matt Kinniburgh burned me a copy of this disc, and i was immeadiatly entranced by it's awesomeness. Also, i bought Matthew Good's new CD "Hospital Music" he wrote it in the aftermath of his painful divorce and a suicide attempt. If his brother was Chaz Tenenabaum, Chaz would have asked him if his new CD was "dark" and Matthew would've responded.... "it's a suicide note....of course it's dark".....ok maybe it would not have gone exactly like that, but it's difficult to put a great movie and great songwriter together like that. Also, in the time since i last blogged, youth ministry restarted here in Vermilion, it started off really strong, but has dropped off in attendance because of athletic competition. And to think i used to think Sports were cool. What else has happened? Oh, i saw two concerts....Crowded House (Pete Yorn opened for them, he's the reason we went) and of course Keith "I don't really hate Canada" Urban. Keith's concert was magnificent, one of the best i have ever seen actually, and Pete's was good too, but he wasn't the headliner so he didn't get to play for as long as i would have liked him to. Anything else? I started my ordination process....read one book, and i was going to write the paper today, but why write a paper, when you can resurrect a blog? I think thats about it....oh no, also Cara and I have been renovating our place. It has been a lot of work, but we really have enjoyed the results....

So listen i'm not going to get into any of that heavy, actual thinking stuff today, i'll leave that for the next blog, four months from now (hopefully not that long, but you never know)

Anyway, peace and love to you and your kinfolk.