Scattered and Depressed, read at own peril

So, I was just lying in bed for 15-20 minutes, and i couldn't sleep. Prior to that, I was watching season four of Gilmore Girls, and in the episode i watched, Gran died. Gran wasn't a nice person, but the portrayel of grief, and preperation for the funeral, and wake and so on, reminded me. It reminded me of something that happened a little over a year ago in my life. My uncle Derrick died. Hard to believe it's already been over a year now. I have been feeling pretty emotional since last saturday which was the anniversary, and since watching this episode of Gilmore Girls, my mind is swirling back to that time. I remember being back in Nova Scotia, listening to Ryan Adams and the Cardinals, feeling emotions i had never felt before, and now, i'm feeling them again. I didn't think i would feel this way, but here i am typing away at midnight, wearing his wedding ring, thinking about my family and how they are dealing with this, and wishing i could be with them. I'm really thinking about my grandparents too, who are going to Nova Scotia for Christmas this year. It scares me, because i know they are going to be so sad, away from us, and immersing themselves in the loss of thier son. I just want to be with my family, i guess this is partially homesickness, but it's more like, i know everyone is feeling down, heck, i'm even down, and it feels to me like it would be easier if we were all together and acknowledging our pain instead of burying it, denying it, or whatever. I don't know. This is really scattered i know, and you probably don't want to be reading such a personal thing, but i felt like maybe writing out my feelings would help it get off my mind and help me sleep, but i think the ache is growing. All i can think about is something my grandma made for me and something she said to me when she gave it to me, she made Cara and I a tree skirt for Christmas, and she wanted me to open it when i got it, so i did, and she said it was something for us to remember her by, and that just broke me, it's hard enough to be away at this time, without something like that. Then i think about Uncle Derrick, and i think about, the funeral, and the viewings, and the time together, and the feelings, and the drive, and taking care of my mom, and fighting with my sister, i remember everything, it's so surreal. How many years is it going to be like this? Am I going to be sad every year at this time for the rest of my life? And if this is how i feel when my uncle dies, how will i feel when my parents go, or my grandparents, or my sister, or my wife? There's just too much in my head, i wish i could shut it out, or shut it off so i could go to sleep. I'll turn it back on when i get up so i can distract myself with work and other such mediums of pointless distraction. I have been feeling on the edge of an emotional breakdown for a week or so now, i hope it ends soon. By the way, after writing this out, i don't know how much better i feel (especially since i'm listening to Jacksonville City Nights by Ryan Adams and the Cardinals, which was the theme album for me in Nova Scotia) Oh well, sometimes you just need to dwell in your pain, and i don't allow myself that option very much anymore.