"I won't always live in my regrets"

Truly, Truly I was not feeling all that great today. For some unknown reason I was a bit down in the dumps today, so I did what any self respecting former depression addict would do….i listened to music. Well, first I started off with some Sarah MacLachlan “Ice Cream” and then moved onto some Jimmy Eat World and more specifically the song “23” which I have mentioned here before. Here are the lyrics to that song. (The lyrics are good, but the music makes it, so don’t judge the song solely on the lyrics)


I felt for sure last night
That once we said goodbye
No one else will know these lonely dreams
No one else will know that part of me

I'm still driving away
And I'm sorry every day
I won't always love these selfish things
I won't always live...
Not stopping...

It was my turn to decide
I knew this was our time
No one else will have me like you do
No one else will have me, only you

You'll sit alone forever
If you wait for the right time
What are you hoping for?
I'm here I'm now I'm ready
Holding on tight
Don't give away the end
The one thing that stays mine

Amazing still it seems
I'll be 23
I won't always love what I'll never have
I won't always live in my regrets

You'll sit alone forever
If you wait for the right time
What are you hoping for?
I'm here I'm now I'm ready
Holding on tight
Don't give away the end
The one thing that stays mine

You'll sit alone forever
If you wait for the right time
What are you hoping for?
I'm here I'm now I'm ready
Holding on tight
Don't give away the end
The one thing that stays mine...

Anyway, adding those lyrics will make this a very long post, but I don’t care. As I lay upon my bed and listened to Jim Adkins bear his soul like this, I got to thinking: “Am I misinterpreting this song?”. You see my initial reaction is to think that the guy in the song is bearing his soul and his heart and finding only rejection. (I relate) But then he throws in this seeming guilt trip where he say’s “you’ll sit alone forever if you wait for the right time”. Then I thought to myself, is that the lie that I buy into? In my life I have had relationships, and I have had potential relationships, and I have cared about people who didn’t care about me the same way. Not bitter, I’ve learned a whole bunch. The point is, over the last year I have struggled and come to the conclusion that relationships and the pursuit of them have become two things in my life. 1. They have become an idol. Something that takes away my focus from my relationship with Christ, something that puts my relationship with Christ in the passenger seat, something I don’t want. 2. They have become my security. It’s like I don’t matter until I can be like all my friends who have found that special someone. Not that my friends make me feel like that, but I have somehow over the course of my life put that expectation on myself. It’s totally a pattern that I can trace back many years. Even if I’m not dating a girl, the simple pursuit of one, and the hope that I can finally find the one for me, gives me security and confidence in myself, confidence that should come from God, confidence that quickly fades once sweet rejection stares me in the face. Now I’m not trying to throw things in peoples faces, or make you feel sorry for me, I’m just expressing my realizations, pain is a thing people can’t avoid, so don’t feel bad for me or anything, this is just how it has been. So as I was listening to this song I was wondering “am I scared that I am going to sit at home forever if I wait for the right time/person? Am I scared that God won’t honor this passion and desire in my heart for love and intimacy from another human being? Am I scared to wait for that right time/person, so I create romance in my head and try and make it work? I think the answer is yes to all three questions. That’s not a good thing, but it’s a good thing that God is showing me another area of my life where I need to trust him and stop falling in love with every girl who opens up to me. I have to admit it’s difficult. God has put some amazing women in my life, and to not see the potential in them has been impossible, but it’s about listening to him, and hearing his voice when I am trying to impersonate him to convince myself I am doing the right thing. It’s not easy to be on this side of a relationship (the side where one doesn’t exist) but I’d rather be here knowing that God loves me then on the other side in a relationship that is totally a bad scene and never going to last. Well, I say that now, we all know how difficult it is to be alone, and scared of staying that way, but I guess that’s neither here nor there. What am I trying to say in all of this? I think what I’m trying to say is that I have screwed up. I have used relationships as a tool to make myself feel good or bad about myself and in the process I have hurt real friendships I have had with girls because I convinced myself that there was something more there. I’m not saying its bad to pursue relationships, or that the girls that I have cared about were not worth caring about, they were, they are, but I lead myself on so that my life would be worth something, and I used them, and I put dents in our friendship that will never come out. In some ways I don’t regret it, if it had worked I would be dating one of the best girls ever, but I do regret it because I gave away another bit of my heart to someone who doesn’t want it. I need to give my heart to my creator, the only one who can heal and fix the damage I have done to my own heart, and the only person who is qualified to give it to the right person, who I want to believe he is going to show me. I realize now that my relationship with him has to come first, and things will progress from there. How can I be a man in a relationship if I can’t lead my potential spouse spiritually because I am too focused on me and her. I had a married friend once tell me a story, he was not living up to his God given standard of leading his family spiritually, and his wife called him on it. I realize we aren’t perfect, but I want to lead my family in God’s strength, not my own, because I don’t have much strength, I seem to run out a lot! Anyway, this is my rant for the month, it’s difficult looking in the mirror, but God doesn’t show us things to shame us, he shows us our imperfections because he wants to show us how much more we can be if we would only abide in him. I want to do this in the pursuit of relationships in my life. I can really relate to this song by Jimmy, so many different aspects of the song that I can feel resonating in my soul, but I could go on for pages just about that so I’ll save it for another time, your eyes must be tired of reading by now.

Anyway, all that’s left for me to do is tell you about the song of the day, and I will do it, even though this is a stupid long blog because I care about music and I care about the consistency of my blog. So today’s song of the day, although by Jimmy Eat World (again) is not the song at the basis of my thoughts today. It is a song that isn’t even on a full length album release by Jimmy, it’s on an EP. The song is also a cover; it’s a cover of a Prodigy song called “Firestarter”. It’s truly an amazing song, it is totally different then the original in a good way and it is able to invoke the passion and sound that only Jimmy can create. I really love this song, it brings back a great deal of good and painful memories for me and so I listened to it today, and was able to sing and scream at the top of my lungs releasing all this pent up emotion that I didn’t even realize was there. Oh well. This is an awesome song so if you have the desire and or means, I implore you, no, I beseech you, check it out. That’s all for today, maybe even for two days cause it’s so long. Have a good one, thanks for listening, sometimes that’s all you need is for someone to listen. (Sometimes, all I need is the air that I breathe and to love you!...whoa did I not just say I was going to try and get away from all this romantic, and relationship stuff for a while, what am I doing!) Anyway, Pray for me, I’m gonna need it!