Good Bye CrowChild Road

Hey Guys
This is my last blog as a residant of Calgary. It seems like i have been experiancing a lot of lasts lately. Today was my last shift as an employee of Christian Publications, I saw Tim for the last time (for a while anyway), I ate at McDonalds for the last time, (there is no McDonalds in Vermilion), You get the picture. It's been hard. More so for Cara, but now it's gotten hard for me. You see, My dad has taken a turn for the worse with his health. I'm finding it hard to be optimistic about the outcome. Not because i am morbid, or negative, or cynical or anything, but i just don't have the peace i had last time this seemed to be an issue. You see when we came through my dad's brain surgery last July, i thought that was it. I thought it was over, at least for a while, and the next chunk of time in my dad's life was going to be spent in recovering from his surgery. For me that meant continued progression of increased health and recovery. Not the case. He has shown signs of improvement, which were always cause for celebration and praise as answer to prayer, but these times of improved health never seemed to last. And here I am 1000km away, not being able to do anything. There's not much i could do if i was there, but it just feels worse, i feel even less of a semblance of control when i am so far away watching my family suffer. I need them to know i suffer too, and it's so hard for me being so far away. I just want to take all of thier pain and load it on to my back, and relieve them. Not because i have the messiah complex, but because i love them, and i hate to see them hurting, and i feel like it's becoming my job to take care of things now. I feel so in the dark. Like no one seems to know what the actual problem is with my dad, and if they do, they aren't saying, because they know that can't fix it, or something i don't know. I wish medicine was cut and dry, black and white. One thing or the other. Yes or No. And I cry out to God. Please Heal my Dad. You can do it, i know you can. And I try to follow my own sermon's train of thought from the summer. I am not in control, God is. God knows what's best, and he wants whats best. He can see the big picture, we can't. Not feeling very comforting to me right now. If i am going through this because i am going to be ministering to someone in a similar situation down the line, tell me now. I need God to be a God of logic right now. I need there to be cause and effect. Was it some sin in my life that has caused this anguish to befall me? It could be, i'm a fairly sinful guy. I just want some answers. Like what is truly wrong with my dad? Can it be medically fixed? WHy is this happening to my family? What's next for my family? It seems to me, when things are going our way, we sometimes praise God (or ourselvers), but when life is shitty, we wonder where God is, and sometimes we blame him. We feel like he hasn't answered us. But he has. It might not be what we want, and rarely do we get to know why, but this is part of faith, and this is more then likely where lots of people drop it, and say, thats too much. I can't feel all this pain and hurt and believe in a God who would put this on me for no reason, or at least no reason he is willing to share. Other people find God in these situations. I'm going to live through this. I am trying with everything i have to trust God, and allow him to take control of my life, but i fear for my family, not my sister and mother. But for the extended family. This would be such a huge loss, a second one, since we lost my uncle just over a year ago. Already I am feeling my own internal pressure to be the strong one, the glue, the one who ministers to them. Rightfully so i guess, i am a pastor now. I don't want my family to lose faith in God, and his love and care, or even more specifically i don't want one member to walk further away in pain. But at the same time I don't know how to react and how to be strong in this situation. I said to Cara earlier tonight "...I'm scared, how about you? Ok, so you want to go back to packing and try to busy ourselves enough to think about it?". I want answers, but i feel like i won't get them. And so i don't expect them. I want to live expectantly in God, but when he doesn't fit into my paradigms of expectations i just want to write him off, or, lower my expectations of the most powerful, intelligant, loving entity that exists.I'm hitting a brick wall it seems. I don't know what to do anymore. You know, i am a person, who always seems to have an answer, and a confidant answer, even if it's I don't know, or if its an answer someone doesn't want to hear, i feel like if you answer confidantly, there are more inclined to believe you, even if you don't know what the hell you are talking about (see about 25% of the phone calls i took at Christian Pub), but this time i really don't have the answers, and i don't have the confidence to bullshit you, which i am usually so good at doing. What a Day. I guess, with experiancing all those last whatevers, i am going to be experiancing some firsts soon, maybe some good ones i hope.