"Tall Drink of Water...

Just as I promised, I'm back. Though, i'm feeling a lack of inspiration that has become not uncommon for me in theworld of the blog.

Had a decent day today, had friends over, ate food, hung out, chatted, overall, very positive things.

I voluntered with Operation Christmas Child on Thursday with my small group. It was one of the best experiances i have had in a long time. I couldn't stop talking about it for the next two days following, but found it very much like a missions trip. When you go on a trip of any kind, but also specifically a Missions Trip, you come home and try to explain to people what it was like, how it made you feel, what it made you think about, the people you met, the experiances you had and so on, but they just don't get it. Sometimes, even people who were there with you, don't get your experiance. Thats how i felt trying to talk about this awesome experiance. I felt like no matter how excited it made me, and how if affected me, no one really knew what i meant, and it could be cause i suck at articulating it, which could be true, but anyway it was good. I just felt like i was actually helping out with something that mattered, and i don't think i have felt that way for a while, which is sad, but i think thats how life is. You get a taste of something amazing, and then you go back to a life of mediocrity and normalness, just like everyone else. I don't know, it's very confusing, because i just want to bottle that feeling of satisfaction i had in doing this work, and take a swig every day, but i don't have that. I know feelings don't mean everything, and they can't control you, but i felt so good coming out of that situation, only to feel like no one understood or cared when i tried to explain it. That is a crappy feeling, almost as crappy as puking and vomiting at the same time...i believe there is no worse feeling then that!

Anyway, My dad is going in to the hospital in the morning for a Cat-Scan or however you call it, Megan you should know...anyway, he's still in pain, and so they are checking things out up in his brain. I am scared. I know we have come through a lot, and God has been with us, but i feel like i'm waiting for the other shoe to drop as some would put it. I feel like God's mercy and favor is only going to last so long, and then our luck is going to run out. And it freaks me out, because this whole situation with my dad seems so life or death to me everyday. I don't know, i am totally afraid, yet i know i shouldn't be right? I should trust that God has everything working out, and of course my only preaching that said, trusting God doesn't mean that everything is going to work out the way we want. I know that, but it doesn't make it any less difficult. I know what God is capable of, and yet, i find it hard to believe in the moment that it will work out for me. I guess in some ways i don't deserve to have things go my way, what have i done that would disqualify me from the nessecity of human suffering? Nothing, but at the same time, it comes back to control. I want control over this disease, I want control over my dad's health, and his recovery, but i don't have control, and it scares me, because it's this state of not knowing, having to live day to day, minute by minute, reasserting my faith, and constantly handing over my attempt at control over to the one who actually does have control and a vision of a world and a life outside of the next 6 months to a year. I want to believe that things will work out, and one day i could look back and say, "oh, thats what was going on that i couldn't see at the time", but i also want my dad to not have cancer and recover back to his normal self, but that doesn't seem to be the case, at least not in the time frame or way i want it to. Things look good for a while, then swing back to the other extreme, it's so painful, it's like having your hope crushed over and over again as you finally seem to be able to trust and live again. If it's bad for me, i can't imagine how bad it is for my mom and sister. They are real troopers, I am proud of them, for handling this situation as well as they have, no doubt without God, but still, i feel like i would've failed this had it been me there instead of them.

So, in summation, I feel confused and crappy. Need to gain some perspective...need to do this assignment due tomorrow. Oh well, another day, another dollar.

....Just pour it on down the sink"