Unwell

What does it mean to seek God? I guess i am on my way to finding out? What does it mean to trust God? I guess i am on my way to finding out? Last night was a fitful one for me. I was up way too late to begin with..(do you ever notice that all the people you want to talk to on MSN log in at midnight?) and then when i finally did try to go to bed, it was no use. My mind was like a frieght train, or to be more cultually sensitive a C-Train, running full tilt with differant ideas, scenarios, situations, and so on. Now, you might be asking, Mike, what could be more important then Monica's birthday, that you would be seemingly losing your mind over? Well, thats just it, seeking God, and Trusting God. You see, i think i made reference to my impending move to the city of Calgary at the end of my internship. Now, i didn't seek God's opinion in this decision, i just made it on gut intinct, but i don't think it is a bad decision, but i'm just not sure. You see, with the lack of incredible job offers pouring in, and the reality of high rent, parking, and food costs, i am scared that i will not make enough money to go back to school in the fall. Now, you might be saying, but Mike, what about your love offering? And i am saying, yes that will help, help me get through the summer. I am trying not to rely on my love offering because, to be honest i don't see it being a large amount of money, not because people here aren't generous, but because people just don't have huge amounts of money to give, i don't know, i just don't want to count on money that isn't neccesarily there. So here i am moving to Calgary, with no job, and no money, and no idea how i am going to live, but thats what i have committed to, and this late in the game i would feel like feces if i bailed on that. But then, what if i was to go back to Vancouver for the summer? What if i was to live at home and work for my dad and not spend any money all summer, except for the money i would need to spend to come out for Kinney's wedding? I mean, chances are, i'm going to live in Rez anyway, so it's not like i need to look for a place this summer, i don't know anybody who needs roomates off-campus so why would i bother?
So is this an issue that i havn't sought God yet? I often feel like God doesn't speak to me in the way i would want him to anyway, not as in he tells me to do the one that i don't want to do, but in that he doesn't speak at all. I wish God would come down and talk logically with me about which option will be best for me, or even not logically, if he said "Mike, this is what i want you to do this summer, i have some great things planned for you to do, and some great people for you to meet if you would just choose to do this". Do you know what i am talking about? It always seems like when i do seek God, he is silent leading me to believe one of two things. 1) The decision is up to me, or 2) I am not really listening. You know most of the people listed in Hebrews 11 (the faith hall of fame) ok, well maybe most is an overstatement, but let's talk about Abraham. He had one on one interactions with God, where God would tell him ridiculouos things to do. "Abe, move to the promised land", "Abe, i know your old, but make a baby", "Abe, you know that baby i gave you that you love so much, well go and sacrifice him". These all seem like such ridiculous requests, yet knowing the source and having the source (God) say these things directly probably at least Abraham some direction in how to act. It's not like God has vague, God said "do this" and most of the time, Abraham did it properly. So now, here i am, looking for direction and not finding it. Perhaps i am being selfish, perhaps my desire for God to give me a clue, or at least his opinion on the subject is selfish, but it seems normal to me.

Well then it comes down to the trust factor. Do i actually trust God? Well, i think i do. I know if he told me to do something in a direct manner i would do it, well i hope i would do it. But am i supposed to be in Calgary, but i am just lacking faith in God that he is going to take care of me, and that the plans i have for myself are not neccesarily the plans God has for me? Maybe, i don't know anymore. If i was being totally logical, the thing to do would be to move back to Vancouver for the summer. If i was sticking to my word, i would move to Calgary for the summer. I don't know what to do, and i don't know how to feel. To be honest, i don't know if i have ever been this sick over a decision that i have to make. I feel like i say that a lot, but it is no less true everytime i say it. I don't know what to do.

The song of the day is by Matchbox 20 and is called "Unwell." Yes, i'm sure you are all reading this and thinking "Matchbox 20? Mike must be crazy, he's listening to Matchbox 20 and getting pissed off cause God won't tell him what to do!" Well, as the song say's "I'm not crazy, i'm just a little unwell." I got in to Matchbox 20 last summer, my uncle burnt me their CD, and i really liked it, especially the song "Unwell", there was just something about it that made the lyrics resonate with me. Oh, yeah, i liked this girl, and i would think about her when i listened to this song, i even put in on a mix tape that i made for her, but then i never gave her the mix tape, because before i could finish, she realized she didn't want to date me. In the garbage with that one! Anyway, mix tapes are dangerous things, because if done correctly they can bear a mans heart and soul and share with you the music that is in both of those things. Anyway, the song is "Unwell" and if you have the means and or desire i think you should give it a listen.

Until the time that is next

ps. I feel like i should've written some tribute to Monica, and or my frienship with her, seeing as it is her birthday, but i needed to get this off my chest. Besides, i bet if i really thought about it, i could probably write like 22 pages about that, and who would want to read all that. Anyway, happy birthday monica, you are great.