Learning Things

So, recently i was at a meeting of our church board of elders. In the course of that time i actually learned some stuff.

1. I learned that one of our elders is the older brother of a women who goes to our church. I had no idea. It blew my mind.

2. I learned that everyone and thier dogs love John Eldrege - except me. I don't love John, and i can't say i had read all of his books, but what i have read, i didn't like, and the impression that i get is that his material is similar enough to think that i probably wouldn't like the stuff i haven't read as well.

3. I learned that my faith is in need of some repair. We were talking about faith and prayer and prayer in faith, and i realized that i don't pray with faith. I pray with disappointment. What I mean by that is - when i pray for something big - like healing, or i don't know - big stuff - i always give God an out. I pray something like this "God please heal this person...but if you decide not to.....blah, blah, blah". And I realized i do this because, even though i know and believe that God can heal or do whatever this big prayer is about - i don't believe he will (very often). So in order to protect myself from being disappointed and disillousiouned with God - I give him this out. I say "God - i would really like you to do this - but if you don't here is something smaller and more manageable, or even something vague that you can do instead". And as i had this epiphany at board meeting two questions came to mind.

1. What does this say about my view of God? It say's i don't believe he is a good God. It say's I see this process as a constant opportunity for disappointment. It say's I see him as someone who can do something about all the big pain and hurt in the world - but generally doesn't want to get involved. My view of God is not a good one. I don't know exactly where it comes from. I've been disappointed and let down in my life before many times. I've been hurt by expectations that were larger then the person i was expecting from could or would live up to. And I don't want to be hurt by God. I don't want to be bitter and resentful...i've been down that road before - maybe not so much with God - but with people for sure.

2. What does this say about my relationship with God? It's not as deep as it should/could be. I don't know God well enough to trust him a) not to disappoint me, but b) to believe that even if he doesn't heal someone i ask him to heal, or whatever big request it is, that his way is still actually the best way. I've preached it, I've tried to live it, and I have lived it in some circumstances - but it hasn't rooted itself fully in me. The problem lies in me. Not in God.

The difficulty comes in reconsiling what your (my) mind knows to be true and how that comes through in my actions. You see I know God is a good God, and that his ways are actually the best ways - and that even (especially) in pain - and situations where God does not answer your big prayers the way he wants you to - he can/will bring good from it, whether we can see it or not. But I haven't been living that way very well lately.

I want this to change. I want to pray and serve God in faith and trust, and love. I don't want to stay the way that I am. And i recognize that even just by posting this true blog about my spiritual condition that it could cause me some grief. Because even though my blog has low readership - from time to time random people from my church stumble upon it and read it, and if i was just joe blow congregation member that would be fine - but i'm scared as a pastor - people will see and hear and read my struggles and call for my resignation - because pastors aren't supposed to be weak in thier faith - they aren't supposed to struggle with living out what they say they believe. And even though i know that's not biblical (to expect perfection from people following after Christ - leader or not) it's a serious fear of mine. But in keeping with our churches call to authenticity, i am going to post this blog and not worry about who sees it, or what they think of it (chances are very slim anyone will see this, and or respond in the way i imagine), but this blog as my confessional today - i am not perfect. There is this one quote that comes to my mind, i don't even remember where it's from - but i've heard it a few times..."God loves you the way you are - but loves you way to much to let you stay that way". Thats where I am, not perfect - but seeking God as he molds my heart and life to be more like Christ.

Peace Out